Never
by chibii.fujoshi
Summary: Yuuri is woken by a painful nightmare. Plagued by the thoughts that hounded him even in sleep, will he find solace in the arms of the man beside him? Set in the evening after Yuuri comes back from Russia in Episode 9.


"Yuuri," a familiar voice whispered.

Who was it again? He was sure he knew that voice. A voice that belonged to someone dear to his heart.

"Yuuri, I'm going back to Russia."

 _What? No. You can't leave._

"I'm sorry. I'm happier on the ice."

 _Victor._

He was leaving?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

 _No. I don't want you to go._

 _Please, don't leave._

Ah, but Yuuri knew it would happen eventually, didn't he? He knew it all along. Victor belonged in the ice. He was only going to be with Yuuri for a short time. A little moment to get some inspiration back for his career.

Where were they? It was so dark. So cold. So empty. All that Yuuri could see was Victor's back as he was leaving. Yuuri's hands reached out on their own, trying to hold onto Victor's fading image. His heart felt like giving out from the force of denying the desire to go after the other man. He didn't have the right to hinder Victor from what he had decided to do.

 _But I don't want this._

 _Come back. Come back._

 _Please stay. I want you to stay with me._

 _Please._

Yuuri crushed that voice that kept threatening his resolve to let Victor go. If that was what Victor wanted, then he would honor it. He had decided, hadn't he?

He had taken Victor's time. Had taken whatever the man could give him. He wouldn't take anything else from Victor anymore, especially not his happiness.

 _I don't want this._

 _I don't want this._

That voice inside his head just wouldn't stop. His voice. Why won't it stop?

 _Stay with me._

 _Stay by my side!_

"STOP!"

Yuuri was panting, his heart hammering in his chest. Confused, he looked around to get his bearings. What had happened to him?

"Yuuri?"

That same voice, the one he heard just moments ago. The voice he loved hearing alongside his own. He turned toward the speaker, and found Victor's worried expression looking back at him.

"You're still here," Yuuri breathed. He was still affected by the emotions from his dream. Was that relief he could hear in his tone?

"Why wouldn't I be?" Victor returned, sounding as puzzled as he looked. "What's wrong, Yuuri? You look so scared. Bad dream?" Victor slid towards him, the sheets rustling as he did.

Ah, Yuuri remembered now. That was the day he had gotten back from the Rostelecom Cup. Tired from the flight, Yuuri was intending to sleep once he got home which Victor agreed to.

At Yuuri's door, Victor had grabbed his hand and requested, "Sleep beside me, tonight?"

Yuuri couldn't say no to that. Not when he had missed Victor so much. Their time apart had been too long, had been so lonely. The older man must have been feeling so as well to ask them to sleep together.

So both of them decided to sleep that night in Victor's bed. It was still dark outside though, which meant they had woken up in the middle of the night.

Warmth enveloped Yuuri as he was wrapped in a tight embrace, pulling him away from his thoughts of earlier that night. After that nightmare, Victor's hug was definitely what he needed to steady himself. "Mmm," was all that Yuuri managed to say in reply to Victor. He was still shaken from that dream.

He knew he shouldn't have slept that night while he was thinking. But honestly, he hadn't noticed he had fallen asleep. He only planned to think about everything that had transpired recently, but his mind wandered to what happens after the Grand Prix Final. In a few days, they were leaving for Barcelona. The Grand Prix Final was just around the corner, so of course he got waylaid by thoughts of the future.

Sure, he was determined to make Victor stop being his coach, and he was resolved to support the man in whatever he planned to do next. They had only talked about the Grand Prix Final, never broaching the subject beyond that.

Yuuri had no clue about what Victor wanted to do after the competition. In a way, he was touched by how much Victor had focused only on him throughout the Grand Prix Series. But the end was nearing, and with it, might come the end for their stay together.

What did Victor want to do afterwards? More importantly, what was Yuuri planning to do? He was set on retiring after this season. What would he do once he retired, then? He wasn't sure of that yet.

A thought kept pushing its way to Yuuri's mind. A wish, a small hope, really. One he kept tightly locked up inside himself. He was so afraid that once he had given it a chance, it would grow into something more. He was afraid he would desire it so strongly. He wouldn't be able to take it if he was denied, and so he kept ignoring it. Wishful thinking wouldn't get him anywhere.

 _But what if?_

Damn that voice. What did he have to do to make it stop?

His thoughts were interrupted by a touch between his brows.

"You get this 'V' right here," Victor murmured as he pressed onto the area, "whenever you're thinking too much, Yuuri."

"I'm sorry. I got lost in thought," Yuuri said apologetically. He looked up at Victor and offered a small smile.

"The same thoughts that had you screaming awake?"

Had he screamed? He couldn't remember now. If only the dream was as easily forgotten.

"You want to talk about it?" Victor offered softly. He started stroking up and down Yuuri's back to comfort the skater.

"I'm fine, Vitya," Yuuri declared firmly. "I guess I was just feeling a bit stressed."

Victor didn't seem convinced, but the Russian let it go with a shake of his head. He did that whenever he thought the younger man was being needlessly stubborn. Deciding to take a different course of action, Victor asked, "Can't I do anything for you?"

Yuuri gave a genuine smile at that. He was always so thoughtful of him and his feelings, his Victor. Nothing had changed.

 _Nothing had to change, right?_

That thought snuck its way into Yuuri's head, catching him off-guard that he clutched at Victor reflexively. He laid his head on Victor's shoulder to hide his expression. His distress was surely on his face right now and he didn't want to show it.

"Yuuri?" Victor sounded worried again.

"Just, please. I just need this," Yuuri rasped as he clung tighter to Victor. He wasn't lying. He needed to be held as much as he wanted to hold onto Victor. He could still recall the emptiness he suffered after his Free Skate performance. He felt that something was missing. Try as he might, he couldn't find it.

Until he saw Victor again. Those hours Yuuri spent far apart from his coach were excruciating. He hadn't experienced that before. The temporary loss hurt more than he thought it would. It was only relieved the moment he felt Victor's hug, as if his soul knew it had come home right there in Victor's arms.

 _That was from just a temporary separation. What if it became permanent?_

 _You can't take it. You won't._

It hurt. His thoughts hurt too much.

"Shh,"Victor whispered in Yuuri's ear. "Why the tears, Yuuri?"

Yuuri hadn't realized he was crying. Try as he might, he couldn't say anything to respond. He was a mess–his thoughts were overwhelming and his heart was feeling too much. Yuuri tightened his grip on Victor's shirt in a silent plea for more. What more, he didn't know. He knew nothing anymore.

"I'm here, Yuuri," Victor reassured empathically. "I'm right _here_."

Yuuri cried harder, his emotions spiralling out of control. Maybe this was what Yuuri needed right now-to purge whatever negativity his nightmare had given him. Victor must have known. It must be why Victor didn't stop Yuuri from weeping. Victor just held on tighter to Yuuri's trembling form and kept murmuring the same words: _I'm right here_.

When the tears finally abated, Yuuri felt so worn out but also relieved. Crying his heart out helped ease his distress.

Victor was now stroking Yuuri's head with one hand, the other enfolding Yuuri in a loose hold. "Feel better?"

" _Hai_ ," Yuuri sighed. He definitely felt lighter.

"You got snot on my shirt, Yuuri," the older man teased.

Yuuri lifted his head up so fast he became dizzy. "I'm so sorry," he exclaimed in embarrassment as he looked up at Victor.

"You finally looked at me." Victor cupped Yuuri's face in his hands, warmth in every touch. His expression was one of utmost tenderness. Perhaps it was because of the lighting, or the intimacy of their positions, or most likely the combination of the two, but Yuuri thought Victor was so beautiful at that moment.

Yuuri never wanted to lose this.

 _You won't have to. Just say it._

 _Tell him._

 _Tell him what you want the most._

If only he could, but no. Yuuri wouldn't be that selfish.

 _You want to stay together with him,_ that voice insisted.

 _Yes,_ he acquiesced, finally admitting to himself that painful desire.

 _Then ask him to stay._

 _Only if that was what Victor wanted as well._

On that, he wouldn't budge. Yuuri was all too aware of what awaited Victor if his coach ever decided to return to skating. His fans would still be there for him, were even now clamoring for him to come back. And if Victor did decide to skate again, he would support the other man.

But it wouldn't necessarily mean they wouldn't be together then. Now that Yuuri had acknowledged his desire to stay with the Russian man, new thoughts were beginning to take form. After all, Victor had left his skating career on hold for Yuuri. Why couldn't Yuuri do the same this time around?

Once Yuuri retired, nothing would hold him back from going with Victor. And if, or when, the time comes for Victor to retire, they would still be together. They had been through so much and had grown stronger together.

How many times had he claimed that they would win with the power of love? They wouldn't just fall apart. Yuuri was starting to really believe that now.

"Ah, happy thoughts at last, my Yuuri?"

That startled the skater back into focus. "How did you know?" he asked as he gazed into Victor's eyes which held only affection.

Victor gave Yuuri a fond smile. "Your face says whatever it is you're thinking or feeling. I've been with you long enough to know."

"Mmm."

Victor waited a beat, and then blew out a breath. Yuuri obviously wasn't planning on sharing anything with him. Well, he hadn't shared yet either. He was still waiting for the right time, and Yuuri evidently was as well. Guess they were both going to play a waiting game, then.

Deciding to take the subject somewhere else, Victor reminded the dark-haired man, "My birthday's coming up, Yuuri. What are you giving me?"

Yuuri glanced at Victor, seeing the quirky smile he adored on Victor's lips. Thankful that they were moving on to other matters, Yuuri played along and muttered, "Something round and golden."

"Wow," Victor rejoiced, "Is this the continuation for your proposal from the airport?"

Heat crept up from Yuuri's neck to his cheeks. Victor was never going to let that go. Groaning from embarrassment, Yuuri hid under the blanket and ignored Victor's teasing grin.

"Yuuri, ne, Yuuri, is it?" Victor kept bugging Yuuri for an answer playfully. He was glad that his skater was feeling better. The scream Victor heard from Yuuri was branded onto his memory. He never wanted his Yuuri to do that again.

"Go back to sleep, Victor," Yuuri said, his voice muffled from under the covers.

Victor laughed, the sound like music to Yuuri's ears. Victor gave up on pestering Yuuri and settled down to lie beside him.

"I do need the blanket as well, Yuuri."

Yuuri lifted one side of the blanket, an invitation for the silver-haired man. One which Victor took, of course. He wasn't an idiot.

Victor pulled Yuuri towards him, his front to Yuuri's back. Spooning, they were spooning. Victor's arm was fastened at Yuuri's middle, the latter's hand entwined with the former.

Yuuri was about to fall asleep when he heard Victor whisper, "Let's take this one moment at a time, Yuuri."

"Mmm."

"I wish we'd _never_ stop," Victor muttered sleepily.

Those words, they wove their way into Yuuri's fearful heart and anchored themselves there. They might have been words said unwittingly, but it was enough to give Yuuri some hope of a positive future.

They still have this moment. Yuuri was sure they would get where they both wanted to be. Wherever and whatever that may be, he will just have to trust that the power of love would guide them.

Victor was right. They just have to take it one moment at a time.

* * *

Okay. So, we've gotten a glimpse of what Yuuri's thought process was like in Episode 9, but nothing yet from Victor. How I wish Episode 10 would help and give us a damn clue already. We'll have to wait for another week to find out.

I took full liberty with this one. I've been seeing a lot of positive and negative thoughts on Episode 9 that it got me thinking: What can I do to get the fandom's spirits back up? I can't draw for sh!t, and my laptop breaks down every time I try to make an AMV. The last resort was this: a hastily written fanfic with a bad attempt on cheering people up. Do pardon any mistake or poorly written sentence I have made.

Now, we've all watched over them both since Episode 1. Wherever Victor and Yuuri's journey takes them, whatever path they both decide to go on, let's all believe in the show and what Victor and Yuuri had always shown us: **the power of love can win it all**.

I love this show, I love this fandom, and I love Victuri.

Thank you for reading this!


End file.
